as I live a few more questions

Beating Resistance

A serendipitous find on a subject I had just blogged about less than 24 hours earlier: resistance and fear of success. Merlin Mann, the blogger behind the personal productivity blog 43 Folders, writes:

Resistance can be thought of as anything that pulls us away from doing the work we know is most important to us. It takes many forms (including procrastination, fear, distraction, and negative self-talk), but the effect is often similar: we find or permit all kinds of barriers to keep us from becoming the person we want to be, or from completing the thing we really want to make. Whether that’s being a published author, a composer, a playwright, or a painter, our impulse to create constantly battles an impulse to do something else, or to do nothing — to not upset our weirdly comfy stasis.

This book [The War of Art by Steven Pressfield] came up twice in my recent interview with Jonathan Coulton; both in part one and today’s recently released part two. Jonathan strikes me as someone who has, so far, succeeded at talking down the resistance he’d faced, and now he’s doing what he’s great at, and, in his words, he’s working hard to become the kind of “true person” that he wants to be for his daughter.

I think it’s really important to underscore that beating resistance does not have to mean quitting your job or doing something equally dramatic; it just means that you identify and then choose to beat the crap out of whatever perceived obstacle keeps you from doing your work. You “go Pro” … making it all about the work, and not allowing yourself to trail off when it gets hard or when you have to fight in order to get your stuff done. Pretty inspiring stuff, as far as I’m concerned.

In this video clip of the interview, Merlin interviews singer/songwriter Jonathan Coulton, when the conversation drifts towards how resistance can block us from becoming (in Jonathan’s words) a “true person”.

Here’s a transcript of the part of the interview that really hooked me:

JC: …if I’m gonna be a true person, and an example of a true person to this child, then I should be true to myself, and do what it is that I’m interested in doing. And it just felt so much more honest since I’ve decided to that. So, yeah that seems suicidal…

MM: No, not really. I men, that’s the funny part about stuff like that…to refer to a book I referred to earlier, The War of Art, it’s not it’s my favourite book or something, it’s just a book I recently read…

JC: (smiling) Sure, sure…

MM: One thing that he said is really interesting ... he said that one reason we do things like procrastinate and we kind of, we find these barriers for ourselves, is that the closer we get to the thing that we kind of secretly realize in our head that we should be doing, the more reasons we find to not do it. Because it creates this kind of stasis that lets us sort of stay locked in.  And yeah, I mean, maybe it’s the craziest thing you ever did, or maybe it’s like you finally unlock the door to thing that’s gonna make you happy.

JC: Yeah, and I do feel like…when my daughter was born, that was the moment that sort of clarified my whole life.

Merlin Mann's websites: 43 Folders and The Merlin Show

Jonathan Coultons website: Jonathan Coulton

Today's Anti War Protest in Washington D.C.

Anti War Protest Washington DC, originally uploaded by squinn4420.

Photos speak louder than words.

The Flip Side of the Chinese Economic Miracle

I can't believe it, but for once I am in agreement with Stephen Harper's government: I'm happy that they are raising the issue of human rights with the Chinese.  The video below comes from another one of the "new YouTubes", called metacafé, and it shows how disenfranchised the poor in China really are:

Underground Video Of Tyranny In China - video powered by Metacafe
 

Now think about this: If I were posting this video in China, I could probably expect a visit from the police and a quick escort into the Chinese prison system. Kind of puts our problems with our various levels of governments into perspective.

Some Notes on Moving Forward

Damn it damn it DAMN IT...

I'm still thinking about the Brokeback Mountain short story and that movie everybody's talking about. What is the matter with me... a movie I'd never even heard of three months ago, a movie I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN, based a short story I'd only just read yesterday. Hitting me like this. It's crazy.

There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it.

(Brokeback Mountain, Annie Proulx; LiveJournal icons by eye_knead_icons.)

This quote is what Ennis tells himself at the end of Proulx's short story. But it's not true.

Ennis could have done something about it; he could have fixed it. He chose to let his fear of what other people would think and say rule his bahaviour. And what happened is tragic. But what others think and say is only an excuse. Fear is only an excuse.

The reason all this Brokeback Mountain blogosphere talk has snagged me is this: In addition to the associations it creates with my own past (previous post), it also touches on something that I have been thinking a lot lately: my own role in the problems and difficulties I have experienced. I myself have made choices, perhaps not conscious ones when I was still a child, but choices nonetheless. Quite often, these choices have been very bad ones in reaction to an unpleasant event or situation in my life.

But I need to take my own responsibility for the life I've made, no matter how many external things have happened. I can't keep blaming and regretting all my life; I have to ditch the sackcloth and ashes, get up off my ass, and move forward with what I have. I also need to leave behind what is keeping me anchored in my mourning. Yes, mourning, because that's what it is.

Ennis abdicated his choice, and his happiness, because of his fear. And so have I. Even now, when I know I have nothing to fear, I am stuck in that habit of abdicating my choice, throwing away my happiness.

And there is where the change must be made.

I'm learning Cantonese oh yes I'm learning Cantonese I really think so

Chinese Phoenix (with my name)
Originally uploaded by Quip.

(with apologies to The Vapors)

Well, my books have arrived from amazon.com, and I've got a set of flash-cards on order. I'm learning Chinese. My ultimate goal is to be able to read Chinese characters, and to speak a little Cantonese (most Canadian-Chinese speak Cantonese so that's why I chose it).

Learning a new language gives you a new perspective on words and concepts, a different but parallel way of looking at things. That's another reason to learn Chinese, to look at things from a new perspective, stretch my brain a little bit.

(uh, and yes, I still need to run the vacuum. What's your point?)

Enzo Baldoni Update

Xeni Jardin of Boing Boing has posted an update on the killing of Italian blogger and journalist Enzo Baldoni which I mentioned here. He sounds like he was a fascinating man... what a loss.

The Years Go By So Fast

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write
Another lonely highway in the black of night
There's hope in the darkness
I know you're gonna make it

Another ditch in the road
Keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Silent fortress built to last
Wonder how I ever made it

(Savage Garden, 'Two Beds and a Coffee Machine', Afffirmation, 1999)

My father dropped dead of a brain aneurysm in 1985, when I was 21. He was only 49, obese, a smoker, with high blood pressure. He would get terrible headaches, and instead of going to the doctor he would go sit in a hot bathtub. He also had a temper that was truly frightening, a deeply rumbling thunderhead that would sometimes flash lightning and hail down upon me as a child.

It was through the sessions of healing touch at the hands of Sister Bernie (to whom my wise counselor Sister Thérèse referred me), only sixteen months ago, that I was able to reconnect to the most deeply buried and most savagely repressed memories and feelings of my childhood. Especially the ones where I knew I was gay, but "forgot" in order to survive.

The bruises—intellectual and emotional rather than physical—are what make me flinch, even though they are (for the most part) already well healed. The bruises are what still hold me back from living the life that I know I am capable of living. And I know it's time for me to push past the flinch-point some more.

� Deux

Congratulations to Keri and Jeff!   (I've been following keri's blog for a while...)

"To limit this offering to the notion that the only "real" family is one that has a mom and a dad fails to honour the millions of other families that grace our world and that truly do form the foundation of our society."

The United Church of Canada (my church) takes to task the lobby group Focus on the Family (you remember, the JHALLOTCFY crowd) for their recent extensive advertising campaign. I'm so, so proud of my church.

QuoterGal's Birthday Rant

QuoterGal, the woman who collects and distributes such excellent quotes as this one, posted the following to the Bulletin Board on Friendster: